Oh Ye Of Little Faith

October 2010--Jessie had just arrived in
 Guatemala two months prior.  Just a baby!

I have struggled with doubt at various times in my life. This may shock some of you since missionaries are on a higher spiritual plane than everyone else (HAHAHAHA!), but I've had thoughts like:  Is the Bible REALLY God's inspired word? Do we have ALL of it? Am I really saved?  If I am really saved, why do I still struggle with this, and that, and the other thing?  Did God really forgive me for that?  And forget it?  If God really loves me, why did he let my papa die?  If He's all powerful, why didn't He heal my dad of ALS? Did God really call me to Guatemala or was that my own hairbrained idea? Should I really have taken my little genius child away from family and everything familiar to go live in a dangerous third world country with a second-rate educational system?  Was that faith or idiocy?  I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

Honestly, I think most Christians struggle with doubt sometimes, we just don't like to admit it or talk about it publicly.  I'm teaching through the book of Matthew in two different Bible studies, and today we got to Matthew chapter 11.  That's the chapter where John the Baptist--the man who earlier in his life had exclaimed, "Behold the lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!"--sent his followers to Jesus to ask Him if He was really the Messiah or if they should quit wasting their time and go look for someone else. Now that's some serious doubt, and right to Jesus's face, no less!  But Jesus's response to John's doubt is very reassuring.  He tells John's followers to remind John of what he's seen and heard.  And then instead of scolding or belittling him, Jesus goes on to tell the rest of the crowd how John is one of the greatest men to have ever lived!  It would appear that John's doubts didn't faze Jesus one bit.  This whole story got me to thinking and then studying about how to handle doubt.  It helped me so much, that I thought I'd pass it along to you guys, on the off chance that some of you have ever struggled with doubt.  The following is a compilation of God's thoughts on the subject, my own thoughts on it,  and some things I've read from others while researching this subject.  So here goes:  six ways to combat doubt.

      1.  Talk to God about it.  That's what John did.  He had doubts, and since he was in prison and couldn't go to Jesus himself, he sent his followers on his behalf.  I think it's a good example to follow. Most times when I have doubts, I don't usually bring them to the Lord.  Instead I mull them over, which is a tactful way of saying that I overanalyze them until I drive myself crazy. So instead, tell God about your doubts.  You're not going to surprise Him.  

      2.  Go back to what you know to be true.  That's what Jesus told John's followers to do.  "Remind John of what he's seen...the blind can see, the deaf can hear, the sick are healed, the dead have been raised..." John had seen these things with his own eyes.  Has God ever done anything wonderful in your life?  He has mine.  So when you're going through a time of doubt, remind yourself of those times when God came through for you.  Things you've seen with your own eyes.

      3.  Get in the Word.  Jesus also told John's followers to remind him of what he'd heard.  Of course, John had heard Jesus's voice in person with his own ears.  Clearly he's got us beat there.  But we do have God's word.  Want more faith?  "Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God..." (Rom. 10:17)  So read it!

Ever wondered how big a mustard seed is?
Here you have it!

       4.  Remember it's not the quantity of your faith that matters--it's Who your faith is in that matters.  Jesus saves.  I don't save myself with my great faith.  It only takes a mustard seed.

      5.  If you're feeling low on faith, borrow some! "Iron sharpens iron..." according to the wisest man who ever lived.  (Solomon in Proverbers 27)  So when you're having doubts, go talk to someone who's feeling full of faith.  You'll leave encouraged! Besides, it's good to admit our issues to other Christians. Why do we think we have to pretend to be so perfect all the time anyway?

      6.  Act on your faith, not on your doubts.  If Noah hadn't acted on his faith rather than his doubts, we wouldn't even be here.  Then there's Abraham, Peter, David, Gideon, Mary, Joshua, Caleb and on, and on and on...all had some pretty serious things to doubt about at various points in their lives, but they chose to act on their faith instead of their doubts.  And so can we.

Remember--doubt is not the opposite of faith. Unbelief is the opposite of faith.  And doubt is not a sin.  Doubt is simply evidence that you have faith in something you cannot see or prove.

I hope this list helps you as much as it's helped me.  If you have other things you do to help you through times of doubt, I'd sure like to hear your ideas!  I think I'm going to make a big list and write it my Bible for the next time I have doubts...probably tomorrow.  Onward and upward!

Jesus, Come Quickly!

 

Beautiful Santa Barbara, Huehuetenango

Santa Barbara is Huehuetenango's poorest municipality, made up entirely of Mam-speaking indigenous people who have been abused and abandoned by a government not truly their own. It is also one of Huehue's most violent areas, which isn't hard to believe since crime and poverty generally go hand in hand.   These facts are usually the last thing on my mind when I'm working out there; I rarely feel unsafe.  However, there are days like today when reality comes knocking and reminds me that even though it is stunningly beautiful, it is a dangerous area. I'm going to tell you what I learned today for two reasons:  so you get a better feel for what it's like to live here in rural Huehue and so that you can pray more knowledgeably.  Jesus is the only One who can make a lasting change here.

Today I was talking to my assistant, Marina, about one of the ladies in the LI program who we'll call Glendi for privacy's sake. Glendi and her children need some significant assistance with their housing, but before I do anything about that, I needed to be sure of her marital situation. I knew her husband had left her years ago for another woman and had heard sketchy details of Glendi's revenge for this act, but I didn't know the whole truth.  I had also heard rumors that the ex-husband was back in the picture.  Marina was pretty emphatic that he was not.  I was curious about why she was SO emphatic about it, so she told me the rest of the story.  Glendi was so angry with the woman her ex-husband had run off with that she enlisted the help of her nieces to hold this woman down while she violated her with a large stick.  The internal damage was so extensive that she died in agony the next day. The only witness was the victim's own mother who happens to be mute. The story came out because the victim's brother could decipher his mother's gestures and grunts.  But since there were no witnesses to the crime who could testify, and because it takes money that people don't have in order to prosecute someone here, Glendi got away with murder.  Because Glendi's children are all malnourished and I don't want to punish them for their parent's choices, I have allowed Glendi to remain in the program.  Well, that and the fact that I don't want to anger her!  She doesn't know that I even know her story.

Right after hearing that little tidbit, I interviewed two new ladies for the program.  One is married and has 4 young children, but her husband had been in jail for the past two years, and no one seems to have any idea when he'll get out.  He got into a drunken brawl and plucked another man's eye out with his bare hands.  

The other woman I interviewed--we'll call her Cindi--had recently lost her father.  He was working in a coffee plantation and saw a woman get bitten by a snake.  The plantations are full of them...corals, to be specific.  And they're venomous.  So this man went running to the boss to ask for help.  Not wanting to spend any money or waste any time on a "worthless indigenous woman," the boss pulled out a gun and shot him point blank in the chest.  The nearest medical clinic was a three hour walk from the plantation.  He bled out on the way.  (The boss's sons were able to temporarily hide their dad until he could escape, but fortunately he was found and is now in jail.) Two weeks after having lost her father, Cindi's husband beat her ruthlessly--bad enough that she was laid up in the bed and couldn't care for her two kids, both under age 2.  Her brothers came to visit, found her in that condition, and brought her back home to live with her newly widowed mother.  Her husband has shown no remorse. In fact, he has stated that he will continue to beat her if she returns, so she'll remain with her mother.  

As appalling as these stories are, they really aren't all that uncommon here.  In fact, I can't think of a single woman in LI who doesn't have a horrible story in her past.  Sometimes I feel very unequipped to help them deal with these things.  The best I can do is listen, give them a hug, and try to help them out of their current difficulties.  We all covet your prayers.  We have made an awful mess of our world, haven't we?  Come quickly, Jesus!

When The Poor And Needy Seek Water...

Telma with 5 of her 6 kids.  

Last week the Living Waters for the World team was here in Huehue, installing more water purification systems.  My dear friend and leader of that team, Bob Swope, usually finds time in his busy schedule to come have an adventure with me on some terrible dirt road while he's here.  Bob's a very sociable guy and likes to visit and keep up with what is going on with Loving InDeed.  This time I took him up to Tuicogel where I teach the Bible study on Monday mornings, then we went a bit farther up to visit with Telma, one of my favorite LI widows. I've written about her before. Bob's mind is always on water wherever we go in Huehue, and Telma's house was no different.  It took no time at all for him to ask her where she got her water from.  Telma explained that she'd inherited a small plot of land from her father and worked very hard to be able to buy more land around it.  Her land stretches down the mountain into the valley below, but it is steep and rocky, which is why she was able to afford it all those years ago. She said she had a spring of sorts down in that ravine.  Bob's curiosity got the best of him, and he asked her if she'd show us the spring.  It was a looooong way down!

Even two year old Lorenzo  joined in the "fun" and was scrubbing a sock!
 Why is it that when kids are old enough to actually be useful,
 they cease to be interested?

When we finally arrived, we found that her two little girls, Claudia (12) and Yulisa (8) were down there washing clothes. (Video at bottom of the post.) There were actually two springs, and they use the smaller one that's farther downhill to wash clothes in. That one's only about 2 feet deep and as big around as the top of a big trash can.  The other one was a bit bigger around and probably 4 feet deep, which is still a good amount of water since rainy season is only just now beginning.  Telma explained to us that she allows families from all around her to use water from that spring, and she charges them nothing. She's just such a kind, generous soul!  Trying to get a feel for how much water the spring was producing, Bob asked her how long she'd been using it. Her response left us both with our mouths gaping open.

Telma using a big stick
to show us the depth of
her spring.

Telma said she'd bought this piece of land 9 years prior.  As she was exploring it, she found these holes, but they were dry.  Knowing she needed water to survive, she went to town, bought candles, went back into the ravine, lit the candles, and stayed there praying until God filled the holes with water.  She's never run out since.  It reminded us of the the widow in the OT whose oil never ran out. It took several moments for Bob and I to even know what to say. 

Isaiah 41:17   "When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue faileth for thirst, I the Lord will hear them, I the God of Israel will not forsake them."

One of Life's Unanswerable Questions

Of all the negative emotions that a missionary typically faces like homesickness, loneliness, frustration, sadness, or doubt, the one that plagues me more than any other is guilt.  I understand that it is not logical to feel guilty about something that God ordained--I didn’t choose to be born in the United States with all the benefits and privileges that that entails—but knowing that my feelings are illogical doesn’t help me much. 

When I go to the river, it's for fun.  I don't have to bathe or wash my clothes there.  My bed is not a board with flea-infested blankets.  If the price of chicken goes up by 25 cents a pound, I don’t have to worry about it. I have a private toilet inside my house, and it flushes and everything! So why do I get to live this life of relative luxury when others struggle just to survive? I have posed that question to various people lately, and I usually get an answer that’s something like this:  “Well, God knew that you’d use what you have to help others.” While that may be true, you have to admit that being the helper is WAY better than being the helpee. The helper has the money, the power, the options…the helpee is voiceless.  It’s not fair, and it bugs me. It’s also an unsolvable issue.  There will always be the haves and the have-nots.  Jesus himself said that.

The other day I got stuck on the mountain.  (Nanny, if you’re reading this, skip this paragraph.)  I had reached a point in the road where I really didn’t think I could go any farther, but I couldn’t back up either. The road was so narrow—mountain on one side, cliff on the other—and when you’re short you have a lot of blind spots.  One tiny false move, and I’d be meeting Jesus face to face.  So I parked the truck and got out, trying to figure out what to do.  A nice man came out to meet me and said, “What are you doing here?  Don’t you know this road is impassable?” “Well, I do now.”   It was so bad that I seriously considered abandoning my truck and walking home.  In this middle of this mess, a young girl came up to talk to me, giving this horrific trip some purpose.

She asked if I remembered her father, Marcos.  He was in Loving InDeed that first year when I was taking poor families, not just widows.  And yes, I most definitely remembered him.  I met him a month and a half after his wife had died leaving him to raise 10 kids alone.   Marcos’s daughter went on to tell me that her father had gotten remarried, but her new stepmother didn’t want anything to do with all those children, so they abandoned them.  They moved out and left 8 children (2 have since gotten married and moved out) to fend for themselves.  The 18 year old brother has taken on the role of father, and the 17 year old sister acts as the mother. The other 6 kids range in age from 3 to 16.  They are all malnourished.  Needless to say, they are the newest members of Loving InDeed. When I visited them, half of them were running around barefoot with giant holes in their clothes.  When they found out I’d brought them some food, they were ecstatic. As I loaded up each item, I asked the oldest sister, Veronica, if she knew what it was and how to cook it.  Half the time, the answer was no.  Her mother had died when she was only 14.  She really wasn’t ready to take on the role of mom to 6 younger siblings. This whole encounter made me livid on so many levels.   And takes me back to my big, unanswerable question:  why not me?  Why is my life so much easier than the majority here? 

There’s one particular part of the movie Schindler’s List that haunts me.  It’s the scene where Oscar Schindler looks at the ring on his finger and is outraged with himself because he’d kept it.  It could have been used to save one more person, after all.  There’s not a week that goes by that I don’t think of that scene…when I buy something in the grocery store instead of the open air market…when I get back home from making visits all sweaty and dirty and get to take a shower…when I buy myself a new pair of shoes…when we go out to eat…guilt, guilt, guilt. 

I think this issue is one that bothers a lot of missionaries, honestly.  It’s a whole different ball of wax when you’re faced with deep poverty every time you set foot out your front door.  What’s even more aggravating is that if this disparity in lifestyle doesn’t wrack me with guilt, I swing the other direction and become totally immune to it.  People become faceless—just one more sob story in a sea of hopelessness. 

It seems to me that most times when someone writes about a problem in a blog, they give the answer that they’ve discovered at the end.  Unfortunately, I can’t do that as I don’t have the answer. The only thing I can figure is to remember that the world already has one Savior, and I'm not Him.  Other than that, I guess this is just one of life’s unanswerable questions…something that only God knows.  

Tears and Testimonies

Tuicogel is a solitary little village as it sits high atop a very steep hill. You'd struggle to walk up or down to the next nearest village. There are about 33 families who live up there, all of them very poor even though they live only half an hour from the city.  This place had no church when the Lord led me to it, so I started a Bible study on my friend Walfre's front patio.  They now have a little church building that they graciously allow me to use. This was my view this morning when I arrived.  I love this place to bits! The seating you see is all they have.  Half the building is made of mismatched wood; the other half of sheet metal roofing.  It is clearly not weatherproof, as is evidenced by the plastic lining the walls.  Every time I come home from there, I get excited that my legs are finally starting to tan, then I realize that it's just dust from their floor.  But it feels like home.  The villagers wait until they can see my truck parked out front, then they slowly trickle in.  By slowly I mean that the Bible study that should start at 10 a.m. rarely starts before 10:45, and even at that, half the crowd doesn't show up for another 15 minutes at least.  

This morning, like every other Monday morning, I was waiting around for people to show up and admiring the gorgeous view from up there. After a while 6 mamas with all their babies in tow came toodling in and we started our study of the story of the demon-possessed mute guy who Jesus healed in Matthew 9.  We talked about how none of us had ever been mute physically, but oftentimes we are mute spiritually--too shy to share our faith or give testimony to the wonderful things the Lord has done for us. Then I did something I had never done before:  I asked them to share something the Lord had done in their lives. I wasn't sure anyone would respond. Indian women are incredibly shy and very private. After a little while though, three ladies spoke up. With tears dripping off their chins, they each shared a story of how God had come through for them in their time of need.  Their stories blessed me so much that I wanted to share them with you too.

•   "About 4 years ago my little girl was very sick.  We spent everything we had to take her to different doctors, but no one could figure out what was wrong with her.  She just laid in her bed.  She didn't want to move or be touched or held.  I thought she would die.  Finally we decided that the only thing left to do was fast and pray, so we did.  And God healed my girl.  She is perfectly fine today." 
•  "A few years ago, I got very sick.  My husband refused to take me to the doctor.  I was in pain all the time and had no one to care for me.  All I could do was pray.  I fasted for 20 days, and spent much time in prayer.  With no doctors and no medicine, God healed me.  I have no more pain."
• "When my firstborn girl was 10 months old, she got very ill.  She had constant diarrhea and was very weak.  I took her to the emergency room of the National Hospital, and they gave her and IV, but she didn't seem to be getting any better.  I called my husband to tell him what was happening; he was working in the city at the time.  He told me to just let her die.  I cried and cried.  I didn't want my baby to die!  But after a while, God chose to heal my baby, and I got to bring her home." (The little girl in this story is one of my very favorite Loving InDeed kids.  In fact, I wrote about her in a previous blog, Telma's Legacy, which is highlighted to the left.)

Claudia proudly shows off the new goats that were gifted to her family
through Loving InDeed.  We're hoping that fresh goat's milk will help
Claudia and her 5 siblings gain some weight and improve their health.

As I sat there listening to these ladies pour their hearts out, my own heart flooded with gratitude. I'm teaching Bible to Mam Indians in the middle of nowhere--it's the stuff of my childhood fantasies!  I can't believe God lets me do this!