I Got Nothin'

I had the incredible privilege of growing up in the same small town in the same small church and in the same small Christian school my whole childhood.  You may not have ever heard of Cincinnatus, New York and might not even be able to find it on a map, but that tiny town means the world to me.  There are folks there who've known me since birth--people to whom I owe a debt of gratitude for the way they have poured into my life for as long as I can remember.  Our school mascot at Cincinnatus Christian Academy was the eagle, and I learned Isaiah 40:30, 31 early on. 

Can I be transparent here?  I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted--so tired of analyzing and trouble shooting all the problems in Santa Barbara.  When I manage to fall asleep, I even dream about it.  People keep asking what's new in Santa Barbara and how things on the land are going. I love that you care enough to ask, and I feel like an epic failure when I have to say nothing. NOTHING new is happening in Santa Barbara, and things on the land haven't changed much either. The neighbors are still angry.  Their fence is still up.  People are still afraid.  The authorities are still refusing to do the right thing.  The church still refuses to get involved to support me.   I have not entirely run out of options, but I'm not sure which option I should pursue and quite frankly, I don't have the energy to pursue it even if I did know.  (**Even as I write this, I know it's ridiculous to say that nothing new is happening in Santa Barbara.  I know God is doing a new thing out there right now, and I just can't see what it is.  But that's what faith is, right?  Believing even when you can't see.  Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.)

My prayers these days are short and more often than not go something like this:  "God, I don't know what to do. Please tell me what to do."  His answer lately has been to wait.  I'm not a big fan of that answer, really.  I feel like I need answers and energy so I can get back to work!  So the other day, I got on google and typed in "need strength Bible verses."  Guess which one popped up first?  Isaiah 40:30, 31.  And do you know how that verse says we renew our strength?  By waiting.  Ha-ha, very funny, God.  So I wait.  Sometimes to get some clarity we have to step back from a situation, so that is what I have done in Santa Barbara.  I am not delivering food, teaching the Bible study, or doing any work on the property, and I haven't for just over 2 weeks now.  I have talked to all the widows personally.  They know my reasons, they know I still love them, and they know they can still call me in an emergency, but barring any emergencies (like baby Josue needing to be hospitalized), I am not going to Santa Barbara at all.  Some days I'm so angry and frustrated that not going out there is easy; other days I miss them terribly and wonder how long this will last.

I do not believe that this is a permanent situation.  God gave us that land.  God gave me the idea for Loving InDeed.  God wanted me in Santa Barbara, and I don't believe He has changed his mind about that.  I believe that He will solve this in a way that I can't even imagine right now and that will bring Him the most glory.  So this break is NOT me quitting.  

While I wait, please pray with me that God would give us the breakthrough we need to be able to peacefully coexist with our neighbors AND use our driveway.  Pray for discernment for me to know the direction in which God wants me to take the program when we start back up again.  I think there is some tweaking to be done, and this break is the ideal time to make those changes.  Also please pray for wisdom as I work in other areas while taking this break from Santa Barbara.  Thanks for hanging in there with me!  I'm gonna invite all of you down here to celebrate when this is all over, so start saving for those plane tickets!